CONVERSATION ON A FLYING FOOTPLATE
(Composed prior to 1971; from manuscripts held by B. Burke)Fireman: You’re driving like an ’Omicidal Maniac!
Driver: In style, boy, style!
F: Her tender’s sheddin’ half-a-ton o’ Nutty-slack every bleedin’ mile!
D: Well what’s the use of worrying?
It never was worth while
Your troubles will be over when she leaves the track
So smile, boy, smile
Keep the old fire burnin’
think of all you’re earning
You used to yearn for a “top link” turn when you fired a tank.
Now you’ve got your Glory
it’s quite a different story.
F: Aye, that’s the truth, it’s farewell to Youth climbing Camden Bank …
D: We’re an HOUR out of bloody Euston!!
F: AND we’re just north of TRING …
(to audience) (All the way up from bloody Euston
it’s been one long bleedin’ swing
There’s hours to go to Liverpool
Oh Death, where is thy sting?)
(to Driver) I was Young and Innocent at Euston. I’m an Old Man at Tring.
DUET: It’s a long way to bloody Lime Street
When you’ve 6202.
She can knacker the bloody Time Sheet
She can do the Fireman, too.
F: D’you want another shovelful?
You bleedin’ greedy cow!
It’s a long long way to bloody Lime Street
and I’m fucked RIGHT NOW!
D: And He’s fucked RIGHT NOW!
[AUTHOR’S NOTES: various airs: “Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag”, “Keep the home fire burning”, “Tipperary” – all of them probably someone else’s copyright.]
[Lines 5 to 14 are roughly deleted and beside them is written “There’s a better version of this”.]
CONVERSATION ON A FLYING FOOTPLATE
(alternative version)
L.M.S. No. 6202 was an experimental express locomotive of notorious unreliability. It operated – when it felt like it – from Edge Hill engine shed, in Liverpool.
Tony – FIREMAN (Black) Paul – DRIVER (Red)
You’re driving like a Homicidal Maniac!
In style,
boy, style!
Her tender’s sheddin’ half-a-ton o’ Nutty-slack!
Every bleedin’ mile …!
Well what’s
the use of worryin’?
It never was
worth while
Your troubles will be over when
so smile,
boy, smile
Keep the ole
fire burnin’
Keep the
wheels a-turnin’
Losin’ time
is a shockin’ crime
(weary aside to audience)
(Oh you daft old sod!
HE cops for all the Glory
I work like steam while he sits and dreams
of a-playing God …
Just an hour out of London
Euston!!
(Brutally to Driver) -
and we’re JUST north of Tring …!
(Driver looks annoyed and opens regulator even
wider)
(To A[udience])
All the way up from London Euston
it’s been one long grinding swing
There’s HOURS to go till Liverpool
- oh Death, where is thy sting? -
I was Young and Innocent at Euston
I’m an Old Man at Tring.
(Quiet Duet)
It’s a long way to bloody Lime
Street It’s a long way to bloody Lime
Street
when you’ve 6202. when you’ve 6202.
She can
bugger the bloody Time Sheet She
can bugger the bloody Time Sheet
she can do the footplate crew Not to mention me and you!
D’you want another shovelful?
You bleedin’ greedy cow!
It’s a long
long way to bloody Lime Street It’s
a long long way to bloody Lime Street
And I’m [Raspberry] RIGHT NOW!
