FROM THE DEAD SEA SCROLLS
(First published in “Centreline” 1966)
(When British European Airways this summer introduced the Trident jet aircraft on routes from Manchester, the airline applied (unsuccessfully) for a Rebate in Landing fees, in consideration of the increase in traffic which the aircraft were likely to bring to the airport. The application was hardly unprecedented, as witness the parable recently deciphered from the Dead Sea Scrolls)
AT THAT TIME THERE CAME THE LEADER OF A FEARFUL host, who was called the Holy BEALINE, who was a Mighty Warrior and an even greater Optimist.
AND HE WENT UNTO THE CITY and sought out therein the Fathers and the Elders thereof, and spoke to them with words of Guile, saying –
LO! I SHALL LEAD MINE HOSTS unto thy field of battle, wherein mine Holy Trident shall strike mightily the filthy foreigner. And great will be the Battle and Thunderous the sound thereof, rejoicing all the People (save those who dwell in Cheshire, and whose Woes concern thee not).
SO SHALL I MAGNIFY THY NAME, that thy Trade and Traffic might Increase, Yea, even by a point per cent.
ALL THIS SHALL I DO FOR THEE as heretofore I did for thee; for have I not raised thee high, Higher than the lowly BRUM, whose Midland fathers scarce can raise it off the deck?
GRANT ME THEN A REBATE ON THEY FEES WHICH SO OPPRESSETH ME lest my passengers deserteth me, my bankers forecloseth me.
AND THE ELDERS HEARD THE HOLY BEALINE and retired from him and considered within their Crystal Palace, which rang with tinkling tellies, where they coined resounding Brass, for the Elders were wise and were Rich beyond compare.
THEN TO THE HOLY BEALINE THEY STRAIGHTFORTH SENT THEIR ANSWER which was brief and to the point –
STICK THOU THINE HEAD INTO A BUCKET. Forswear we not OUR Due Reward, nor any part thereof. And should we so forswear it now, howso then would we relieve the Rates? Howso console our Children, who in Pain and Penance cry to Us? (Yea, even those who dwell in Cheshire, though their pleadings move us not …)
AND RAISE WE NOT A LEVY SO on those who also come to fright our ears? From Erse and Frog and Swede and Swiss? Expect we not daily the wily Wops, the fierce Huns, the far-flung Yanks, the even more outlandish Wogs?
PAY THOU, BEALINE! PAY THOU ALSO. Or, by the LORD MoA shall thine Hosts be confounded, Yea, confused and confounded inpaled and impounded shouldst thou refuse our Rightful Due, which this year, next year, hence thence to the YEAR DOT; now and EVER AFTER, is and EVER WILL BE, the undiscounted STANDARD RATE.
AND THE HOLY BEALINE WEPT and rent his garments and sulked for forty minutes.
