WHEEZER
(Former London & North Western Railway 0-8-0 Class G1 Goods engine.)
(Composed prior to 1971; from manuscript held by B. Burke)They call me a “Wheezer” you know
Cos I’m old and decrepit and slow
All right in the shed
but when put at the head
of a boldly great coal-train I go –
Iiiiiiiiiiii AM DYIN’!! Ooooohhhhh! I’m DEADED!
The Gaffer ’ere ought to be shot
Can’t he hear me complain
as I look at the train
“Hey! I’ll nivver ’ump THAT bloody lot!”
CHORUS Ayyyyyyeeee. I’m dyin’! Eeeeeeee. I’m dyin’
Iiiiiiiiiiii AM DYIN’!! Ooooohhhhh! I’m DEADED!
“I’m only a wheezer”, I moans
I’m old and I’m past it” I groans
Can’t I sit on me bum
in your nice comfy slum
with the rest of the Darby-and-Joans?”
CHORUS Ayyyyyyeeee. I’m dyin’! Eeeeeeee. I’m dyin’!
Iiiiiiiiiiii AM DYIN’!! Ooooohhhhh! I’m DEADED!
but the Gaffer’s a pig and a clod
For what sympathy
is he offering ME?
Just “Shurrup an’ get crackin’, yer sod!”
CHORUS Ayyyyyyeeee. I’m dyin’! Eeeeeeee. I’m dyin’!
Iiiiiiiiiiii AM DYIN’!! Ooooohhhhh! I’m DEADED
So I wheeze off, and what a “to-do”
I was never as ’ealthy as YOU!
I was even born old
(In Crewe Works, so I’m told)
round about nineteen ’undred and two.
Or perhaps nineteen’ undred and three.
I’m as old as the ’ills you’ll agree.
But oh, how time flies
Now I see with surprise
that it’s Steam that is dyin’n not ME.
Hey! It’s dyin’! Eeee! It’s DYIN’!
Aie … It’s dyin’ … Oh. It’s deaded.
But I’VE been “Preserved”, and I’m pickled
in a Leicester museum. I’m pickled
in me “North Western” paint!
Though you think I look quaint …
- as a matter of fact I’m quite tickled!
Hey! I’m dreamin’ ..? Eeee! I’M Gleamin’!
I am SHININ’! Oh, I’m GREAT!!
AUTHOR’S NOTES: Beside stanza 3: “Bescot M.P.D.” Beside stanza 6: “Quietly”. Beside stanza 7: “Poetic licence. Leicester has a 1921 superheated G1A. At end of poem: “Poem with chorus. In performance, an audience will do the chorus for you for – perhaps – verses 2, 3 & 4. They don’t know it, but the chorus SOUNDS like a wheezer – Try it!”
[EDITOR’S NOTE: the ex-London and North Western Railway 0-8-0 locomotive 49395, which inspired this poem, was for a short while intended for a museum in Leicester, although it has been more familiar at other locations.]
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